Oh goodness

So I realsize that in life you fall in love a lot and get your heart broken a lot.  I wish that weren't true.  I know there is a difference between loving someone and falling in love with them.  I genuinely loved and cared for someone. A guy. And I was pretty sure I was falling for him.  Now he is out of my life. We don't speak or anything and I feel like he hates me but I have no idea what I did to him. I know it's wrong but I miss everything about him.  I hate this feeling more than anything in the world cause I know he is comepletely over it and having a good time with his life while I am still trying to get over him. It suckssssss.  I wonder why God puts us in these situations. I really do.

Supposed Epiphany

So high school is definitely a hand full. I guess I didn't really know what to expect but this epiphany of "boys suck" is interesting. Not as cool as I thought it would be but I suppose i feel awesome for reaching my epiphany that a lot of girls probably don't get.   In this supposed epiphany I discovered that I am really really young ,pretty much. I don't know the difference between loving a dog and a boy. I mean seriously is any girl my age really able to say with all her heart and soul that she would die for the boy they are dating?  After having this epiphany I've become a little scared to be honest.  I'm worried that I'll let a boy ruin my life. A boy that's not worth it.  I'm so afraid of a stupid boy sabotaging my dreams that I'm so extremely passionate about.  But at the same time I don't know when the right time is to open my heart up to possibilities again.  I'm just so afraid of screwing up my life.  I wish I could just have God give me a run-threw or a playbook of what I'm supposed to do with my self exactly. I know what I want to accomplish with myself but I just don't know if that's my destiny. Life is soo much more complicated than I thought it would be.  Wish me luck.

The Funk Is Back

 7 months ago I moved away from Austin to live with my mom which has been going well but I think I became more Conservative.  But lately since I returned to Austin for the summer I am getting my edge back slowly.  I've been hanging out with some of my crazy friends which as we all no, crazy is contagious.  Well tonight was the firework show at the local park and I met up with my friends Cursing Communist Chloeson, Lisa, Devan, Sunshine Smoker, and Freedom.  We weren't partying hard but Freedom and I did have a little miniature fist fight.  What is so addictive about UFC fighting?  I just think its stress relieving to wrestle and fight.  Maybe I just have anger issues or maybe I'm just weird.

The other day I bought myself a pair of TOMS shoes.  I've got to say I'm impressed.  They are super comfy not to mention all the groovy designs.  I got the gray kind and they go with everything.  I feel very hippie like with them on.  I'm probably just as much as a hippie with them on as I am with them off.  You can ask my friends.  I yell at them if they don't recycle, which is a lot.  I don't know how they live with me.

Answer I Needed

On the car ride home I talked with my mother about what had happened.  It didn't occur to me that she was the closest friend my father had and knew about as much as he did.  She started telling me about how my father had a terrible relationship with his stepmother ( the long lost aunts' mother).  Nobody else knew because they were either dead and also they lived far away from family I talked to.  What happened was my grandfather couldn't take how miserable my dads life was in that family because of the stepmother, that he just packed up and left.  He fought for my dad's sisters in court for a long time. He fought so hard that he spent all his money and went bankrupt.  So he gave up.   By this time the mother had died of breast cancer and their aunt was taking care of them.  The aunt hates my grandfather with a deep passion so he thought they would be brainwashed into hating him.  This I can agree was not bright on his part to not try to stay in their life but every man has his reasons.  

A Great Man With the Wrong Reputation.

Lately I've been in Rhode Island visiting my long lost aunts.  In 2007 my grandfather had bone cancer and knew he was going to die. His dying wish was to see his two daughters he left when they were about 5 and 3.  My grandpa had been divorced before with my dad's mom.  He left her  too and their daughter, but decided to keep my dad.  He wasn't capable of raising girls.  My grandpa was a great man despite his ex-wives opinions.   He raised my father by himself and my father is my hero today.  Anyways,  my dad searched for them and they flew out together with their aunt and Uncle (who are their legal guardians) to see him.  It turned out that their mom had died of breast cancer a little after my grandpa left them.    They were raised by their aunt and uncle.  Its very difficult to hear  these people talk about my grandfather.  Whenever we speak of him  I can hear the anger and disrespect in their voice.  These girls never seemed to know the amazing side of my grandfather.  Their aunt is a very nice woman but whenever my grandfather comes up in a conversation she always has little comments of hatred.  So far I've heard some things that they think they know and I have checked all his paperwork and found its not true.  Its just very hard to speak out and tell them the truth about their dad.  I am heading to Austin Texas soon where all his paperwork is and I plan on going through everything because I feel I should tell them all I can.  I see their father in the girls so much and they have no idea.   I want so badly to scream he was an amazing and wonderful person to them.  This man raised me alongside my father.  He bought me al the toys i ever wanted even though he was very poor.  He showed me more love than anyone in the world.  Anyone and everyone knew my father and I were his whole life.  He would do anything for us.  After he left my aunts' mother he never dated another woman.  He spent the rest of his life  and money  giving my father a good life.  He did an incredible job.  My father went to Mississippi School of Mathematics & Science,  got a scholarship to go to Mississippi State,  then got a scholarship to Vanderbilt University at which he got a P.H.D in physics.  If thats not success then I have no clue what is.    I hope to keep writing in his blog to tell more about what happens.  My grandfather was a mystery and this is just something I have to solve.